lessons in knitting and what I have learned

When my kids were little, I used to knit them a hat every year for Christmas. Not necessarily because they needed a new one , but because it was the only thing, besides a scarf, that I knew how to knit. I was an amateur knitter and despite the fact that their winter bin was full of homemade hats in every color, they still loved them. We were living a lot more simply in those days so a lot of our gifts were handmade. There was something special about taking the time to create something to give to someone you loved. To have a plan...a vision for how something is to turn out...and if it wasn't the exact way you wanted it to be, you could just start over. You could just unravel the yarn...turn back time for just a moment and get it right the second time...or third. And if you paid attention, each time you started over, you'd have a clearer understanding of how to make a better hat on the next attempt.

And I am finding life is sometimes like this too. Except maybe a bit more messy.

Or a lot more messy. But I am learning.

I am learning who I can count on...and who I can't. But I don't often stay away from people I can't.

I am learning that the journey is so much more important than the destination, but it's sometimes hard to stay present.

I am learning that if you just sit back and observe, you will learn so much more about people and what they are after. And what they want. But I don't always use this information the way I should.

I am learning that my distraction skills are solid, but softening.

I am learning that there are so many beautiful people out there, but have yet to run into anyone that is carrying pain or isn't lonely or heartbroken. I've been all three this year. I imagine you have too.

I am learning that it is easy for me to not get too attached to people, but I am working on changing that.

I am learning that I my start-over game is strong, but I'd like to not have to keep starting over.

But with this...I am also reminding myself that I am a work in progress. We all are. We all can stay right where we are or make changes if we don't like our situation. We all are in charge of what we are creating in this lifetime. Who we are loving. Who we are hurting...even if it's just ourselves. The thing is...everything that happens to us, we have some say in how it unfolds. How we see it, how we respond and how we move forward. Whether or not we keep allowing the same toxicity in our lives. Or for that matter, the same beauty. That's on us.

So when my 19 year old asked, if this year I'd make him a winter hat for Christmas, I took a deep breath and tried to remember if I knew what I was doing or if I'd remember how. I wondered if I'd remember the mistakes I have made in the past and not repeat them once I jumped back in again. And I came to realize that I might. But that's ok.

And I am still going to do it. I am still going to keep trying. Because when we stop trying, we stop living. We stop bringing joy to those around us. We stop bringing joy to ourselves. You see friends, we know exactly what we are doing, even if we don't always feel like we do. We just sometimes have to remember that.

Remember that you know exactly what you are doing. And you forget, I'll be here to remind you.