If I were honest...
I'd like to think I was an honest girl. I'd like to think that if you and I are tight, you know me. Like really know me. And, I'd like to think I know you, too...and maybe we do. Maybe we know each other in the exact way in which we put ourselves out there...how we want others to see us. The image we want to create and offer to the people close to us.
For myself, I know that if I really paid attention to you, I'd have to admit that I have been thrown for a loop, at times, in regards to thinking I know you. I also know that you have said the same about me. I am trying to be more consistent, lately...I really am. Because walking around in this world having someone else represent me and what I believe is just not very authentic. And if you are to like me...maybe even love me....that is where it has to start. It might be too much, and sometimes it has been, but it is what I can give you...and what you can give me. It's what we can offer the world...to let them know that this is us. To let all of us know, that despite what you are carrying, you will not shrink to fit into what someone else wants, in hopes they will like you. That you will show up in your full true self and offer all that you have...To know that sometimes we are messy, sometimes we are raw, sometimes we don't have it all together...but that is life. That is who we are. That is what is real.
That is what is real.
And for me...right now...that is everything.
If I were honest, I might tell you that I know where I am headed, but I don't always know what I am doing.
If I were honest, I might tell you that I have had a lot of beauty in my life, but it is the darkness I have experienced that still scares the shit out of me.
If I were honest, I might tell you that I am filled with love, but fear you will walk away when you really see me.
If I were honest, I might tell you that I am confident with how I parent, but have this intense fear I have somehow failed my children.
If I were honest, I might tell you that I actually haven't forgiven you and I am ok with that.
If I were honest, I might tell you that although I understand and respect what you do, I might not. And I will carry it and it will effect how I see you...how I see us.
If I were honest, I might tell you that I don't always trust myself, even when I tell you that I do.
If I were honest, I might tell you that I don't always trust you, even when I tell you that I do.
If I were honest, I might tell you that although the words coming out of my mouth sound wise, I feel like most of the time, I am faking it.
If I were honest, I might tell you that I have built my life around things I can count on because I stumble hard with too much change.
I might tell you I can be spiteful if I feel insecure. Or that most days are bliss, but some feel like a roller coaster that I can't quite get a handle on. I might tell you I am strong, but also, so very fragile. I might tell you I can be impulsive and would sometimes prefer to run away than to plant my feet firmly into the ground to take a stand.
If I were honest, I might tell you I love myself...and I do...but I have to work hard on loving all of me. All of the imperfections, all the dark areas, all the parts I might not want you to see, but really want you to see. Because this is where the good stuff is. This is where the lessons are...the beauty is. Loving good is easy. Loving darkness is not. And if we can't be honest about who we are, we won't know which parts need extra love from us...extra love from others. And they won't know either.
What would it look like if you let all of us in? To let us witness you and your wisdom that you have accumulated over time. To let us share in your struggles, your mistakes, your lessons you have learned. To give us your fears....your really dark fears...the ones that might keep you up at night fears. And to share with us your hopes that get you out of bed in the mornings, so excited to start your day. What would that look like? What would that feel like? What would it feel like to know that someone sees you for who you are, not just for who you want them to see? And still is there because that is what they have going on too.
If I were honest, I would tell you that I want nothing more than to have that...because that is what is real...and that is where I am headed.