it's ok not to know...
I have something to tell you. It's not easy for me to admit this...especially since I know how you think of me. It's a little secret that I haven't ever told anyone before. In part, because I am afraid of how you will see me. I am afraid that you might not like me as much anymore. You might be disappointed...let down a little. But the more I think about it, the more I wonder if you feel the same way...at least some of the time. Or maybe most of the time. You see, despite the image you have created about me, despite what you may or may not think about me, despite what you have heard about me...
I don't always know what the f*ck I am doing.
And I can take a great leap and guess that sometimes you don't either.
And if you are anything like me, not being in control of what is happening just plain sucks. Not knowing how this is all going to turn out makes me nervous (but I make a really good magnesium spray for that...find it here). I get uncomfortable, worried, think too much, process too much, eat too much. I might have an extra glass (or three) of wine, bite my nails, pace, panic, not sleep, sleep too much or distract myself (generally with the wine). And then if that doesn't work, I just grab on tighter to try and squeeze out a solution, an answer...anything really
FYI...this drives everyone around me crazy. I highly do not recommend this strategy.
I may or may not have been called controlling a few times in my life.
In my defense, it's how I feel safe. It's how I have felt grounded when my world seems to be a little twisted. It's how I made sense of things that didn't quite make sense. It's how I took care of myself and the people in my circle. And for the folks around me that got that...you are the sprinkles on my sundae. Really.
But lately...it feels good to not have all of the answers. It feels good to have to breathe through the unknown, loosen my grip a little, shrug my shoulders more often, let things go. It feels good to not worry, to not be so preoccupied with the what-ifs, the how-comes, the WTF's...It feels good to not be attached to the outcome. It feels good to not live in fear.
Because that is what this is really about....fear. Fear that it won't work out and you will spend the rest of your life alone. Or fear that you might be together forever...or worse, you'll live somewhere in between. Fear that you won't have enough money to pay your bills or that your car is going to break down. Fear that something will happen to your child, your parents, your partner. Fear that your heart will be broken...again. Fear that you are unlovable, not smart enough, not sexy enough, not good enough. Fear that you are not courageous enough, not pretty enough, not young enough, not thin enough.
I get it. It's tough out there. It sometimes requires a bit of armor just to step outside these days. But stay with me...
What if we just shifted our thoughts a little. What if, instead of living in fear, we lived with the absolute belief that things will work out? Like without a doubt confidence. Like 'I know exactly what I am doing' confidence. Unshakable, unstoppable, don't mess with me confidence.
Yeah...that kind of confidence.
The confidence that everything is right on plan with how it is supposed to be. The confidence that we know exactly what we are doing, even when it feels like we don't. The confidence that these experiences we are having might be challenging, but just wait it out and see what you can do...
Lets just see what you can do
And although I know how hard this may sound to do with all that is going on...but it has been a game changer for me. To step out of fear, when I am feeling it most. To breathe through the 'how is this all going to work out' feelings and thoughts. To be more curious about others than try and convince them. To not have to prove my point, change someone's mind, explain myself. To not know...and be ok with that.
This week...let's just see what we can do.